GOODBYE

           Today is the day i turn 18. A few weeks ago, life handed me one last lesson before I turn lawfully legal (no more juvenile court people), how to deal with losing a beloved one, and, even harder, how to deal with those who are still alive.

           Do you say "I'm sorry for your loss", or "Be strong"? Do you pretend nothing has ever happened, pretend not to see the smile drop from your face in the occasional pauses in conversation? Do you say "I miss him" or "He was a wonderful,wonderful man, and he will always live in my heart?" Even thinking of those phrases makes me cringe inwardly. You pray for this magical sentence that can convey your feelings and thoughts and intentions, a simple phrase that contains "I miss him too, but you miss him more. He was father, husband, uncle, do I even have the right to be sad after what you've lost?? But if i just smile like nothings wrong, you might think that nothing really is wrong to me, that I do not care for him, but I do! I want to say that death is not the end, that he's in a better place, and that he's in His kingdom now, and that we are not fortunate enough to be taken away first, but I do not want to dismiss his death! I want to say that God has plans for you, better plans, His plans, but i do not want to dismiss your feelings, nor keep you from mourning. I want to make everything better, but it seems like everything I say just makes it worse. I want to hold your hand and tell you that everything is ok, but I know it is not. It never will be. But I'll always be there for you. But why do those words sound so empty? Sure, i can empathize, but I wont be able to sympathize. Will you hold it against me? Will you resent me?

         Hearing your loved ones speak to a grave, with hope and tenderness and faked cheeriness, brings tears to my eyes, at that moment, and at THIS moment as I think and type these words. The terrible ache, the sadness you feel when you see good people trying and trying and trying, again and again.

       And somehow the happiness is worse, those all-too-bright smiles and overly loud laughter. For we do not have permission to be sad, to be weak. Fake it till you feel it. And although my view is heavily clouded by denial and shimmered with disbelief, all the unspoken words youwerewonderfulimissyoualreadywhywhywhydidyouleaveimissyouhaveievertoldyouiloveyou- it doesnt matter. Because all I can say, all you have let me say, is, goodbye.